A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
