Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
