I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize