So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
