My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
