you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
