somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
