The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
