If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
