i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
