I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
