dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
