my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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