i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
