I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
