Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
