The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
