Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
