Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
