I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
