apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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