my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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