i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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