my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
