Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
