When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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