I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i believe in u and ur pee
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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