how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
