She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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