i just wanna soil my oats bro
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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