I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can text with my tongue
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
