I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
