just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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