Sober January is a disaster.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
