I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
