I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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