Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
