Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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