I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
