so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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