Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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