god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
