I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
