im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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