I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
