She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
