There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
