Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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