I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
