Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
