I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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