how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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