I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
