im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
