And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
