Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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