I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
