there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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