its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize